Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive….

What a month.  What a week.  What a day.  I feel drained.  And it’s what Tuesday??  I don’t think I am cut out for this thing called, living.

I hate my new job.  I hate it.  I hate it. I hate it. I HATE it. I want to be okay with it, I want to tell myself just be there purely for the money.  I want to be okay with it because I need to SAVE money. I need to be okay with it for my boyfriend and for our family.  But I hate it.

Why do I hate it??  I will give you reasons my friend.

1.  I don’t get breaks of any kind.  I work anywhere for 8 1/2 to 9 hours on a regular day, and don’t get even a 10 minute break to sit down.  I work retail, that’s a long day on your feet.

2. I have had 2 weekend days off this month. And not consecutively.

3. My district manager told my store manager that I need to “step up” by coming in on my 2 days off and work on stock.

4. The people below me don’t seem to really care about the job at hand.

5. I don’t get to be fashionable, or artistic with my outfit as I am used too.

6. I miss the ladies at my old job.

7. I eat like crap because I don’t get meal breaks I eat granola bars then snack when I get home late.

8. I never get to see the boyfriend :(

9. I don’t go out at all even though I am not off probation.

10. I have to close the store Christmas Eve, then come back at 7 am the following day after Christmas.

11. I have to close New Years Eve, then open New Years day. I waited a whole year to be off probation ( I stayed home last year due to probation) to celebrate the beginning of a new year, a new life, without complications of probation…but now I can’t stay out late.

12. I feel unappreciated, more so then my last job.

13. I am starting to have a really bad self image, feeling negative more then ever, and hating everything about life.

 

13 reasons right off the top of the old noggin. I had the day off today.  I closed last night, but the boyfriend reassured me that we would have a nice day full of “snackies and movies”.  He had been off work for a week due to the weather.  But then while at work he texted me and informed me he would actually be working because it was going to be warmer outside.  I thought to myself, that’s cool, it sucks but I will have a nice quiet day watching girly movies and snacking under warm blankets and resting on fluffy pillows.  Just relaxing myself.  I had an awful day at work.  The weekend was full of work as well as a visit from the district manager.  I was excited to work with her and asked a million questions only to find out on Monday she wanted me to step up, meaning I wasn’t living up to my title.  I am failing again.  I am a failure.  I wish it didn’t sting so much but it does.  I just for once wanted someone to tell me I am doing well and to keep up the energy and motivation that I was bringing this team.  Instead I was told to step up. And I don’t do enough.  Then this older man came in and demanded a further discount, and stayed in the store for at least 45 minutes to an hour demanding one.  I was shaken to the core and ran to the bathroom to cry into a thin paper towel.  I wished to be anywhere but there.  I have been having panic attacks at work for the last week or so…just small ones.

I run to the back and heave and fight back tears for at least 5 minutes.  God I hope no one can tell.  I am a weakling.  I did a split shift on Sunday and worked stock with a couple other people. I was working with these two guys and one of them started asking a question about whether I thought I was ugly or pretty…I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.  Of course I think I am hideous, disgusting…all of the normal things…but I wasn’t going to say this to these guys. I just stumbled on my words and they rolled their eyes and laughed.  They were talking about girls self-esteems.  How there are girls out there that don’t have any, they think they are fat and ugly and they didn’t understand how someone could feel that way about themselves.  I felt so awkward. 

So I was relieved to have today off.  It started out so nice.  Kind of. I woke up sweating from a dream I can’t recall.  My heart racing.  Thoughts flooded in wondering if I was supposed to take the boyfriend’s daughter to school this morning.  My fingers quickly texted him and asked, he told me he had already taken her.  I was relieved, but my mind couldn’t get over what my District Manager said, or the fact that Christmas was next week and I have barely done any shopping and what was I going to do about that, and what to buy for the Boyfriend and the Parents, and the Brother and the Parents-in-law and how fat I am becoming and how I have no friends…the list goes on and on. I couldn’t shut the brain off.

I got out of bed around 10, major sleeping in. I ate two thick waffles, dredged in syrup….oh haven’t I told you I am eating everything in sight right now.  I am so plump it’s unbearable.  I hate when I do this to myself, but I can’t seem to stop it either.  My face broke out from those Fastin pills, I wasn’t eating but I wasn’t losing that ,much weight either. I took the bottle but didn’t buy a new one.  I am just eating right now.  This is the process.  Eat, eat, eat, eat, EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT.  Next soon will initiate the STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE faze. I wanted to purge potato chips up earlier, only because I felt sick to my stomach, but I didn’t.

So after about 11 am all the electricity went out.  I thought perhaps there was a power surge.  After 5 minutes I started wondering if the Boyfriend didn’t pay the electric bill even though I gave him money for it.  I tried to get a hold of him with no avail.  I got dressed and went out, shopping.  Although once I got to Walmart I almost panicked again.  So many people, walking around, talking, it just was a lot to handle.  My first instinct was to just leave. Duck out and cut my losses.  But I wanted to find glitter pens and boxes for Christmas gifts. For the Boyfriend’s daughter.  I had to walk around for about 5 minutes to even get my head straight how stupid is that?  I started feeling kind of better….I still didn’t find much.  Some bbq chips, boxes and tissue.  A turkey sandwich. Hobby Lobby I found a bunch of art supplies for her.  I went home after that.  My fortress of comfort overturned by no power.  A tower of loneliness.  I had about 7 unread Bazaar and Elle magazines to read though…I ate chips, drank bud light and read fashion that I couldn’t keep focus.  I fear the solitude.  I like being alone but I hate silence.  I have the tv or pandora on constantly.  

I can’t stand my thoughts.  They are murderous.  They will tie me up and strangle me, no joke. I first realized this when I had to spend 3 nights in jail.  I just cry.  I just drown in my own nightmares and thoughts.  I am scared to be in the quiet with myself.

I started to panic again once the Boyfriend came home and left for school.  I was told that we may or may not have the power back on today.  I started thinking I would only be alone with myself and how scary that truly is.  I had one candle and my phone was dying.  I began to cry and shake and felt so alone in the world. I have no one to call. I have no girlfriends to bring over a bottle of wine and oreo’s to help comfort me with past memories.  I have no one to be there for me.

I’ve been crying a lot lately, as well as eating and growing a belly.  NO that doesn’t mean a bun in the oven, that means period.  Unfair.  Just means I am fat enough for a period.  Fucking cow. I cried while watching Friends last night.  Because I have none.  There are times I just hate, despise being a girl, other times I wish I could be that girl that everyone wants to be friends with. I wish there were those times I could call upon people that would come comfort me at my lowest.  But I don’t.  I also have to keep telling myself I am better off.  No one wants to be friends with a mess, a worthless mess.  I am just a no one.  I can’t stop believing I am a no one.  And believe me no one wants to be with someone who thinks they are a no one.

I thought once I left my old job and found a new one I could possibly excel and be a better person and make money so I could save money….the only thing that has happened so far was, yes I could pay some bills, but I also have panic attacks again and I feel more low then ever.  And I hate my life just as much as I did when I was on probation.  The thought of a blade crossed my mind. Cutting what a cruel joke.  So fucking stupid so fucking needed.  I am far to old to be doing that to myself……….but……………

Why am I such a fuck up in life?

My mom tells me I have no different luck then anyone else in the world.  It is hard to believe.

As the sun started to set and the reality of the situation began to sink in, no electricity for awhile…the tears started to roll.   The thoughts began to flood and capsize everything.  What is it with silence that brings me to my knees??  I thought I loved being along, just I guess, not in silence.

With our electricity being turned off it turns out that the Boyfriend thought he switched the automatic bill payments over once he switched banks…turns out he DIDN’T.  So we owe $400.  Since it is the perfect time of year that just is wonderful.  He wrote a check, which will surely bounce tomorrow since he has ONE DOLLAR in his account.  I won’t get paid until Friday and if I give him $200 I will be short for the rest of my gift giving.  So long Nexus 7, I wanted to get him that so bad this year.  I wanted to get great gifts for my family since I am killing my spirit at this well paying death to my soul job.  Turns out since I screwed the boyfriend over (he took out his employee savings to pay bills while I wasn’t working) we both got screwed in the ass, right around the perfect fucking time of the stupidest holiday known to mankind.  I fucking hate Christmas.  Why can’t we just spend it remembering the real reason…instead of killing ourselves over the perfect gift, or how much money we should spend on each other, or listening to non stop loops of christmas music since Black Friday.  CLick CLICK BOOM.

I fucking hate the holidays. Always have always will.  

There’s only three wrapped gifts under the tree and I feel awful for the Boyfriend’s Daughter.  I am a horrible step-almost-mother.  I have always known I was…but I am even much more know.  I am a horrible almost person.  Why can’t I just die.  I want to cut so badly. I will try to not think that way I promise, but it sounds like a great idea at the moment.  Something to whisk away these awful thoughts.  Something to blend these thoughts up into a mixture of lost hopes. Freeze them away and stow away for another day.  

I can’t do Holidays, I can’t do this job, I can’t do this living thing.  I am not cut out for it.  I suck.

I just want to stay home and sleep, in my bed.

*think thin*

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