So the last couple of posts have been…a disappointment. I was entirely to drunk to be typing. There should be an app for that. I was to down, depressed, sad, pointless, falling deep to be writing. That could be said with most of my posts. I drink to much, think to much, act to much on all of them.
Today has been my first day off in 6 days. Not such a long stretch, but it seems like forever when I work retail and hate my job. The therapist has been pushing me to go to a Staffing Agency..but my head tells me that I am to stupid, to worthless, to fucking embarrassing to go somewhere like that. What should I expect? What are they going to ask me? Are they going to test me? Are they going to judge me? What will I say? What if it’s not the right thing to say? I was going to go today, but found a great reason why I shouldn’t. Haven’t seen the therapist in almost 2 weeks. Can’t seem to email her for my next appointment. Can’t seem to write anything that would make sense. I can’t talk to her. I can’t talk to anyone. I have wrote in my journal, 10 years ago that they will never get it out of me. I seem to have held on to that belief and won’t let anyone inside of my head. WHY? I don’t know. The boyfriend says I should make another appointment. But why should I pay her to talk about my job issues? That’s not what I want.
I don’t know what I want.
I have 3 days of work before I take vacation. I will have 6 days away from the place I hate so bad. I wish I could take a vacation from myself. I wish I could get out of here. I try to escape with alcohol. I tried to escape with drugs, exercise, diets…nothing works. I am always still here. I hate it here.
I try to grip the little bits of positive feelings I feel, but they are so damn slippery. They just seem to slip through my fingers. As the day breathes and exhales I just slip out of reality and start daydreaming of a life that never seems to take shape. I think of what could have been, what could be, what could happen…but then I realize that nothing could ever happen to someone like me. For some reason I just deserve crap. I hate to constantly be a work of negativity..but it’s the only thing that washes through me. It strengthens and breaths in and out, always whispering in my ear, self doubt and hatred. Telling me I am not enough, I am no one’s friend, I am no good at anything I do, why even try??
It seems to consume my every thought, every breath and tells me what to do. I don’t think I am here anymore. I am controlled with these thoughts. I don’t believe they are my own anymore. I have been replaced with this beast that lives within me. I am always tired of being told it’s my “anxiety” my “depression”. It almost sounds like people are making excuses for me. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want anything anymore.
I am supposed to tailgate with the boyfriend on Saturday. We are a college football town and we are going to tailgate…except the only person we know for sure is going is a guy that never talks to me after confessing (a couple of years ago how much he liked me) and now can’t look me in the eye or talk to me even though he has a baby on the way with his on and off again girlfriend. So lucky me. I don’t want to be excited about this day because every time I get excited for anything, it seems to go bad. I just hope to not look fat, even though I have been gaining weight. I was 122 last time I checked, which is about 6 pounds bigger then my lowest. Nothing works out. Why are there millions of people out there that can lose loads of weight, and I can only seem to drop a certain amount, then gain it back? I hate laxatives, yet I am back on them…I took my last bit the other day and am out. Will be purchasing more. I have diet pills ordered. Though I was getting them for about $5, but got charged $87. Lucky me? Better work I guess? Diet pills are so stupid. I will try anything I guess. I have about 15-16 years of trying diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, drugs, anything I can get my hands on really.
I feel like I have just been suffering from a broken heart for over a decade now. Does that sound lame? It just might. When I was younger I thought I had friends, they hurt me. I thought I eventually met a man that I thought understood me, he broke my heart. I thought I was persevere with talent and courage, and nothing came about…because I was to stuck on my weight and wanting drugs. I was heart broken because I couldn’t break through it. I thought I was smart enough to get through school, I flunked out of my first semester of college, then I couldn’t handle depression and drug use while attending a community college. I couldn’t handle anything. I still can’t. I can’t handle my emotions they are just to much for me. I just want to cut through them and accomplish something of importance. That would make me so happy. I am finally not doing drugs, I am still stuck on my weight and my depression. I will be 32 early next year. I am harvesting major pain coming off this month from a pregnancy I wasn’t aware, and lost early this month. I didn’t want the baby at the time, I knew right when I found out that I didn’t want it, it wasn’t possible!! The boyfriend agreed, but now three years later I wonder if I was wrong. Now I am realizing that maybe this was the only time I was ever going to get this opportunity to have a child, give my parents a grandchild, ever experience that.
The day is over thankfully, the 9th will always be a crap day for me. No one will ever understand. I only told 3 people.
Now the boyfriend is staying home from school and drinking one of the two beers I have left. Will I ask him to get more? Possibly. I work all day tomorrow. Open to 4, then going back at 9 until midnight to do a floor set. Something else I won’t be sad to never have to do again once getting out of retail.
I am not hungry for dinner. I was a pig and ate pizza with him last night, because I am a pig. Never weighed myself because I am sure I gained a million pounds. I didn’t get laxatives because it wasn’t a self check out and I hate buying them from non self-checkouts because I feel I am getting judged. I am always being judged. I don’t want him to buy more beer, but I don’t want to be sober either.
“Everyone will come to my funeral, to make sure I am still dead.” MM
I feel wasteful, useless, pathetic, a burden, stupid, ugly, fat, useless in hell. Nothing is good.
*think thin*
Finding A Path... 