Well, it’s been awhile. I have so much and so little to say at the same time. The biggest news? I am engaged. He asked me nearly two months ago. I was shocked and inspired. Obviously not inspired enough to write about it. For some reason words have escaped my fingers and thoughts. I want so much to be able to take the time to scribble down the feelings that pass through my brain, but they have just simply escaped me. I wish I could describe my new ring in all it’s glory, it’s just beautiful and I can’t stand the time it is off my finger. It sparkles like you wouldn’t believe. I have dreamt and dreamed of the moment it would be placed on my awaiting finger…and it didn’t disappoint. I love it almost as much as I love him. We picked a venue earlier this month and are about to sign the contract. It is a place that is beautiful, large and modern. It is a Performing Arts establishment. I have never been to a wedding there, and am excited to be the first out of all his friends to say our I do’s there. We are having the wedding, cocktail hour and the reception there. It is amazing.
It is very overwhelming, all the planning. I wouldn’t mind just eloping myself, but my parents and Fiance want a bigger wedding. It’s crazy, we picked our date—June of next year and I will be moving out of my first apartment by myself in a little over 3 months. My man and I are going to the bank in hopes of a large loan for our first home. So many things changing. So hard to think about all at once, makes me a little dizzy I guess.
There are times that I want to stay where I am in life, and fear moving in a different direction. I am scared for life to go on…I am tired of watching things go by in such a fast pace. I remember being a little girl and wishing for nothing but to be in my 30’s with my own apartment, little did I know once you get to this age it is gone just as fast as you get it. Life can be so dull even at its shinier moments. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with what is coming, all I do is harness fear in my bones. I keep thinking it’s all going to be sucked away, at any moment. It will all come crashing down so why get excited. It’s all to much really.
I’ve been thinking about going back to a therapist. I don’t know why, whenever I go I just sit there like a doll, wide eyes and mouth forever frozen. I have been told all I need to do is write what I want to say down and give it to the therapist. But I have tried that, unsuccessfully. I had a minor panic attack while handing her a piece of paper with a bunch of crap written on it. So much so she had to give me calming techniques so I wouldn’t hyperventilate. It feelings like no one understands how much I can’t talk to people. For some reason the façade that I have faked many years ago is my go to personality. I am fine, I am great, I love life–I smile widely and tell everyone I am fine, I tell jokes and make other people smile so they don’t see the real me. The one that fears everyone and everything.
My weight has been a total disaster. I swore I would drop the 20 pounds I gained and tried so hard to do it. For the last few years I have always been able to do it. This year something changed. I worked out and ate clean. I even did a two week Paleo Detox. I worked out 7 days a week. I still couldn’t drop weight. The Fiance told me I was toning and he could see it in my face, but I couldn’t. I have no worked out in a week and have been eating awful. I even started purging a little. I spent my time with him crying and unable to peel myself off the couch and go out with him because of the fears that people were staring at my fat stomach. The Fiance told me that was ridiculous. I can’t help the thoughts. I wish someone understood. But no one in my world does, I suppose that’s because I won’t tell them. I don’t know if I told you, but I was drunk and told the Fiance (seems so weird to keep calling him that still) that the last therapist I was seeing was an ED specialist. He was upset that I didn’t tell him, but I have told him I struggle greatly nearly every moment of every day. I want to get another therapist, but in the end I don’t know if I really see a point in it. I just sit there, why waste the money. I wish I was so thin that he would force me, or someone would intervine. I just don’t care about myself enough I guess. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but it is so damn frustrating.
The Fiance was gone Wednesday thru today at a lake for a Bachelor party. Sounds like he has so much fun with his friends. Partying all night, drinking and smoking weed. I went to work and sat at home drinking in my own hell. I got pretty drunk last night. I had no where to go and no one to talk too. I told myself I was looking forward to the solitude of my apartment and binge watching Mad Men. I told myself it would be nice to stay in and do nothing, just my cat and I. When it really comes down to it I am so damn jealous of people that have friends and can have fun with them without the struggle of how fat and ugly they look all the time. My mind tortures me and I feel tortured in my mind. I just want so badly to have someone that gets me, even holds me accountable for the shitty things I do to myself. But in the end….I just hide everything so well no one sees anything because the surface looks so smooth. The waters underneath are so rough. Why can’t anyone see through me? I don’t think I am that great of a liar. Maybe I am only lying to myself. Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it. I get so tired of being alone all the time. When will it end?
*think thin*
Finding A Path... 