Every Sundays Getting more Bleak…A fresh Poison each week…

Life seems to be caving in on me.  Each day presents itself with another mountainous task that I can’t climb.  Another task I can’t complete.  Another dream I can’t touch.  I have decided to not try and grasp for the house I have dreamed of getting.  My lease is up in less than two months now and I have nothing.  I wanted a house so badly, it hurt worse knowing I can’t have one because I am not worthy of owning a home at the age of 32.  I don’t have enough money, enough credit enough balls to go after one.  I concede.  I give up.  I know how to do that very well.  I felt the sting of tears as I told the Finace that I don’t want a house anymore.  Our combined credit is not going to get us anything I would want to live in.  There is no point.  I don’t deserve anything.  What in my life has taught me that I could have something that I actually want?  I am such a wreck.  I wanted him to say, NO we will try, we will fight to the bitter end.  We can and will over come this obstacle, but instead he agreed and we are looking for apartments or townhomes to move into.  I will be a mom again, I will be alone in a place with people again.  I will feel more alone because they will be there and I will be silent with these awful voices telling me I am more alone when people are around.

Things have been going downhill from there.  I refused to eat at the wedding on Saturday.  I pushed the plate of salad around the cheap plate.  I ate three bites of pasta.  Yeah, she had pasta…CARBS CARBS CARBS.  I ate the leftover Chipotle while I was drunk after the wedding. I purged it.  I have been purging nearly every day…the Fiance told me he heard me throwing up.  Embarrassing.  Whatever. The following day I purged again.  Sunday we were at the store, he got lunch…I got rice cakes and diet coke.  I purged the rice cakes and the chicken wrap I made.  I couldn’t get it all, because he was here.  I haven’t weighed myself in awhile…I took 3 diet pills, and 6 diuretics today.  I felt nauseas after work.  So I chugged down 3 beers and a bottle of wine.  I had watermelon for breakfast, 4 lettuce wraps with turkey (9 slices–fatty) & wheat thins for lunch, and a salad with 2.5 oz of ground turkey and salsa for dressing.  I bet you I lost no weight.  I am going to be this big forever.  I can’t even think about wedding dress shopping with all this weight on me.

I can’t stop thinking I will be alone forever.  Even with a husband and a step-child I am alone.  No one cares about me, I hate thinking this way because it sounds so fucking needy.  I hate being needy.  No one wants to be around a needy person.  A needy person is so weak.  This upcoming weekend we are going to a tailgating party-free food (like I’m going to eat) and free booze (I will partake) and I can’t get to excited about it.  I know he will be distracted on his phone, wishing he was with his friends.  I will be distracted with thoughts of how fucking fat I am.  I can’t think about anything else.  I want to purge everything.  I eat a normal sized meal and I want it out of me.  I don’t want to eat anymore.  I want to make myself sick on diuretics and diet pills.  I don’t want food inside me.  I am not sure if it’s about weight loss (I think it is) or if it’s about punishing myself for all my sins.  I am such an awful person.  No one wants me.  I keep thinking if I wasn’t here anymore only  7 people would really be sad…only 4 of those 7 would be heart broken.  Only 2 would continue to be heart broken for the rest of their lives.

I don’t know.  I keep thinking I should go back to see the ED specialist.  I should make myself email her.  But I just can’t for some reason.  I should have her read this blog.  I should have her read my real journal.  I won’t though.  I am pretty sure I have locked the secrets away forever.  I feel damaged.  I am damaged.  It just hurts that no one cares.  I desperately want SOMEONE to care.  I have tried for so many years to try to kill the feelings inside.  I guess I shouldn’t be so mad that I can’t feel ANYTHING because I have wanted all the feelings gone since I was young.  Why should I feel anything after murdering them for an eternity?  I shouldn’t be so stupid to wish for feelings of anything.  I have just always wanted to matter to someone.  I am a hypocrite, I make no sense.  My computer just crashed on me..about an hour ago.  It’s dying.  It is basically on crutches.  Limping towards death.

I have no money to replace it.  I am failing at life.  I just purged.  It’s been able 5 hours since I ate dinner…my salad, and I still got salad up.  So weird.  My face has been puffy for days–my eyelids are swollen.  I am not sure if this is due to the amount of purging I’ve done lately.  I am not to worried about it really.  The alcohol makes me not care.  I am not bulimic I have decided.  I don’t binge.  So I am not Bulimic.  I don’t fit into a neat box.  So I don’t have a problem.  No one cares so why should I?  No one cares, no one cares no one cares.  Just lay down and stop caring. There is no caring.  Why do I want it.  It shouldn’t be something I think about anymore.  I gave up life a long time ago.

I am so sad.  What else is there to say.  I suppose I shouldn’t say anything else.  I will never reach out because I am to scared.  I don’t know who I am without having these thoughts.  I can’t not be thinner I can’t stop because what if I got fatter?  What is a girl to do?  If no one is concerned why should I be?  I will be okay.  Or I won’t.  Who knows, who cares?

*think thin*