I think the last time I wrote was on the 4th. I got drunk. Swimming in my own disappointment. Life is such a drag. I have been declining rapidly in a sea of depression. This fog, this thick concrete pulling me under without the threat of death. Why live at all is what I question myself more and more. I don’t know what has caused this latest episode but I am losing my grip. I was awful to the boyfriend on Friday. He took me out to a movie, a place where you can eat at the theater. I ordered a chicken sandwich and they sent me the wrong one. He encouraged me to tell them they gave me the wrong dinner, but I refused. Angry at him trying to make me tell them that I was unhappy with the food they served me. Knowing full well I shouldn’t be eating anyway. I am a fat disgusting piece of crap who doesn’t deserve food but I will shovel it into my mouth anyway. A long story short he told our waitress and she sent it back. All I could think about was great, now I am going to eat calories and their spit. I wanted to stay afterword and have a glass of champagne, I love champagne. But he didn’t want to. I felt like I was 6 months pregnant, my belly extending so far it was humiliating so I didn’t want to walk around either. I felt like my face was to hideous to be in public and I should run back to my apartment and hide under blankets. We were invited to a impromptu camping trip the following day which was also weighing heavily on my mind. My body wasn’t ready for a trip in a bikini!! I only own one and a half what was I going to wear??? I hate the one I spent way to much money on, I feel like my boobs would pop out any minute and the other one was a string top and those make my boobs look even bigger. Not great. I felt defeated before I even put them on. We ran to Victoria’s Secret, but everything was to expensive. Went to Old Navy but they were just to cheap looking. I settled on the string bikini. Ugh.
I was actually excited the morning of the trip. I got enough sleep and was ready for a day at the lake with people (well, kind of) and my boyfriend and lots of alcohol. That always will help with the anxiety I have around people. But once we got to our friends house I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy day. All the girls that were going were all size 0’s. Gym people. I’m talking muscles. Six pack abs, both guys and the girls. I was way out of their league. I was like the fat chub girl that is always 5 steps behind whining, “Wait for me guys!!”. I immediately felt ugly. Fat. Gross. They were all tanned and beautiful. Beauty queens and I would never even qualify for the pageant. Once we got to the lake it all went down hill pretty fast.
They all stripped to their itty bitty teeny bikinis. I kept my clothes on. They put their sun block on, rubbing it over their thin bodies. I didn’t want to lift my shirt up. I felt my heart sink and a lump in my throat. O. M. G. What the hell was I doing there??? Once we got in the lake to head over to the sand bar they asked if I was going to leave my clothes on. I took my shirt off but kept my shorts on. I hate my butt and thighs the most. I mean I hate everything, but the butt…the damn butt. Oh my god I felt like a hippo. Once we got to the other side I felt so fucking self aware of my body I felt like I was going to go crazy. I didn’t want to stand by anyone. I felt tears well up. I sniffed them up and drank. I drank like it was going out of style. They wanted to take pictures. Oh my goodness…pictures. Then we took a picture of all the girls in a pyramid like cheerleaders. Guess who was elected to be the bottom girl. Yup my fat ass was. Just proves right there that I am the “sturdy” one. Wonderful. My fat rolls were obviously obvious. I am such a fat ass.
It was fun, but all I could think about was how the girls had these amazing bodies and why can’t I look like them??? For the most part I try eating only 500 calories, sometimes more like 450 calories and I burn about 350 calories at the lake, then I do 500 crunches and a bunch of leg lifts and I am still at this terrible weight, this weight that drives me mad. This weight that makes me want to drive right into a wall. A weight that makes me want to give up and say screw it. A weight that makes me want to tear my hair out. I try so hard, I obsess, I cry, I work out, I starve, I puke I do all that I can to be thin and that is the one thing I am not. The one thing that is so pointed out when I stand next to a girl that is a size 0. I got so wasted. We couldn’t camp there so we went back to my friends house. It gets very hazy after that. I don’t remember much. I remember my boyfriend wanting to leave fairly early and I did not want to go. I got upset. I can’t remember if I got upset at the house, or how I acted. He told me later last night I was the worst he has ever seen me. Great I made an ass out of myself in front of the people that barely like me. I am a fat, fucking stupid loser.
I woke up the next day probably still drunk with a nasty hangover. The boyfriend was up and in the living room. I could feel the anger in the room. I could taste it. I asked if he was mad at me and very quick he said, “YES.”. I thought, yikes, and went back to my cave. I stayed in bed, curled in a ball the rest of the day. He finally spoke to me at 8 pm Sunday night. He asked if I wanted to talk. I honestly told him I didn’t want to know what I did and that I am sure I was an asshole and apologized. I’m ashamed and don’t want to know what I said or did quite honestly. I’ve been having these rages lately and I don’t know why. I was always a happy drunk but lately I have just been mad. All I can figure is that I have been so depressed about life in general that it’s coming out once I’ve been drinking because I have no one to talk about it in real life. I don’t have friends to vent to. I don’t have anyone. I don’t feel like the boyfriend knows what to do or say so I try not to talk to him about it. I feel like it just makes him feel uncomfortable and sad. Really whats the point of telling anyone? I have felt like this the majority of my life. I have tried medicine, it doesn’t help. I have tried therapy, it doesn’t help. I have tried working out and eating healthy, it doesn’t help. I have thought that maybe this is the way my mind is wired. To be fucked up. To feel like a beast. I don’t deserve the boyfriend and really I wish he would just break up with me so I could live alone. Alone in a dark apartment with no friends and no one bothering me. No one to take my rages out on. I can just sit in my own place, alone and drink and do drugs until I die.
I was supposed to go on this float at the end of July, I was kind of excited about it…but now I am thinking of canceling my spot. I don’t think I can look at more perfect bodies. I was thinking I probably could lose 10 pounds in 20 days, but I don’t know if that would be enough. My friends posted the pictures of us at the lake on facebook yesterday. I am mortified. I look so disgusting, and I am not lying. I can’t believe I stood by the girls with perfect bodies. My face has this weird, contorted smile like I knew I shouldn’t be in this picture, I look so FUCKING FAT!! I am so horrified. Unless I lose 30 pounds I am never, never, EVER getting into a swimsuit again. Horrified. Along with a slight sunburn my back has been hurting so badly I have been icing it since yesterday. I had back surgery 2 years ago and it acts up, so I’ve been dealing with that as well. Sharp pains have been stabbing my stomach as well. I don’t know if it’s from the anxiety and shame I have put on myself, but it has been so uncomfortable. I have wanted to do nothing but lay in bed the last 2 days and cry. I cried this morning and if I didn’t have to work all day I would have cried the rest of the day as well. Hopelessness and loneliness has been overwhelming. Depression and anxiety is crippling me at the moment. I work until 1:30 tomorrow and instead of going to the lake for a 6 mile excursion I am going to get back into bed. I have Wednesday off I have a few errands to do, then back to bed. I want to be in bed and be away from people. I hate my life. It’s so pointless. I hate my body and my face. I hate everything that makes me me.
I want nothing to do with myself.
*think thin*
Finding A Path... 