The happiest part of my day is, obviously having the day off from the most horrible place on earth…ie my job. Then waking up early so I can have my coffee as I snuggle deep into the comfort of my warm sheets with the tv on and my kitty sneaking up to find a place of warmth on my chest. He is my life saver. I love him so much I tell him each day he is a prayer answered. I know, I know, I am one of those cat people. I have wanted a cat ever since I left home at 23. I wasn’t allowed pets in my first apartment, nor could I afford one. Then had to move back into parents house. When I first moved in with the boyfriend about 2 years ago we couldn’t afford one. About a year ago I was finally stable enough to buy one. Well that is some-what a lie, my parents ended up buying him for me. At the time it was February and apparently it wasn’t “kitty season” what ever that means and there were no kittens available for adoption at the Humane’s Society and I would only adopt. I looked, and searched at all the Pet Smarts and Petco’s around my area, for awhile. I stalked the Humane’s Society web page until I saw my little guy. He was perfect. Orange & white coat, with big huge green teddy bear eyes. I loved him right away. The next morning I called to see if he was still at the Petco and he was!! I had my mom go guard him for me until I could come get him. He was just perfect in every way. Every bit a personality of his own! It’s been a year now and I love him more then I did then! He follows me everywhere, he sits on my lap and chest, he licks my face when I cry and cuddles with me when I am alone. I realize how sad this is when I say this, but he is truly my best friend. My boyfriend thinks it’s weird how much I can love a cat. But really, they love you unconditionally. No matter how crazy you are, and I am pretty crazy.
Anyway. I have started day drinking already. The boyfriend is in class at the moment. Then he has some work to finish up then he will pick up his daughter and we will be a family for the day. I think we are going to go to a movie today/tonight. Something she will like. I am actually fine with staying in tonight. After last weeks disaster of a weekend I feel the need to hibernate.
I have decided I will go on the float in 2 weeks. I will need to be in a swimsuit. I have talked to people at work telling them my woes of standing next to women that spend time at the gym perfecting their bodies, one that is working on her body to show off in a fitness show and they all tell me I should never compare myself. How do you not?? Especially when you are taking pictures right next to them? I look like an overweight creature from another planet. I don’t understand not comparing oneself to them. I was so uncomfortable. So I scoured Victoria Secret swimwear last night. If I can find a proper top to fit my disgusting chest into one that might make them look appropriate then maybe I will feel better. I purchased one, even though I can not really afford it. I told myself next I need to find a cover up. One that has short sleeves, to cover my mess of scars on my left arm (those are pretty bad, puffy still after 12-14 years of having them) then maybe I will feel a little better. If I can stay half covered it might be better. I am hoping the top fits. With shipping it was almost $30. The boyfriend said he would give me some cash to put in the account. With working part-time I make little to no money. I can barely cover bills. I hate being an adult. Especially one that can’t even pay all her bills. I am still leaning on my parents and the boyfriend to get me through. I am applying at a gym in hopes to have two part time jobs until I can find a full time job. If I get a job at a gym I could have a free membership. Killing two birds with one stone! Speaking of, I am concocting a new diet plan. I want a restrictive diet plan that will fool my body into thinking it is eating enough. I figured out a diet of 435 calories. Consisting of: Egg whites, apples, grapefruit, lettuce, vegetables and fish. I have about 13 days of dieting before the float. Before due day. Oh and lots of green tea and water. If I could even just lose a lot of bloat I should be better off. I will be purchasing some self tanner as well. Even if I can’t technically afford it. I will go to the lake and do AT LEAST 3 miles a day and crunches. I would love to lose at least 10 pounds. I haven’t got my period this month. However, I have on and off gotten it in the past. I lost it for 3 months I think due to weight loss, then this month due to weight gain. It was nothing short of a blessing to not have it that long. I hate it more then my fat. I’ve lost it in the past and sadly it makes me feel like I am doing something right. Even at my lowest weight of recent I am no where near underweight. I would have to be under 108 pounds to be underweight. I am no where near that. Which hurts and makes me wince in pain, but I can’t let that trip me up. I will get there some day is what I need to tell myself. Keep positive? That is hard. The other night I told the boyfriend that I needed words of encouragement when I am negative about myself. It’s hard for him. He just stares at me with sad eyes. With a blank face, I can see he is struggling with what to say. So he says nothing at all. Which drives me to the brink of madness. He replied, “There is just so much self-loathing.” I can tell he has never had to deal with self-loathing. I wonder what that is like. He is not a body builder or in perfect shape but he has no problem with taking his shirt off and showing the world he is not perfect. I wonder what that feels like. Being able to tell the world, this is who I am take it or leave it. I want to feel like that. Even if I tell myself to feel that way I crumble under the weight of myself.
I have always had a rather smaller waist. I was very active as a younger girl and I did a lot of sports, swimming, volleyball, softball, working out so I had a some-what nice stomach. Now that I have gotten older that is fading. I don’t like it. I know have nothing about myself that I like. At work, yesterday a lady was looking for a maxi dress for her 11 year old daughter. She told me that she was almost my size, a 7 (junior size, ugh). I was tormented by this comment, I wear a size 2 at my store, sometimes a 0. Obviously there is “generous” sizing at my store, or “vanity sizing” but even so I haven’t been a size 7/8 since I was in my teens at my worst over eating stage. I wanted to either smack the lady or go crawl inside a hole somewhere. I told the boyfriend and he reassured me that most women don’t know sizing like I do due to the fact I do work retail, I can guess almost anyone’s size by looking at them. I try to brush it off, but it stays burned into my mind. Telling me how large I actually am. At least now I have so much motivation to stay on track and strict. Very strict with these next couple of weeks. I have to. I must. It will be my job. How much can I lose? I think 10 will be hard, but anything close will be welcomed.
I just drank something called “Buzzballz” a strawberry rum job. It has vodka & rum with strawberry puree, coconut cream, lime and pineapple juices. Kind of buzzed. Also a Modelo. Which proves how non-responsible I am with my money. I purchased a 12 pack of Modelo cans, $12.99, a Buzzballz, $2.99, a pack of cigarettes $4.99, and ice cream $3.49. $28 dollars for a buzz. Then a new swimsuit top $28.99 and a skirt from work, half of my store card, half on my debit $8. I spent over $65 when I only got paid the skimpiest of checks that is supposed to be saved for bills. I just want to drink the day away and forget about eating.
I have had an apple with a wedge of cheese (35 cal for the cheese), and coffee. Lunch I had 1.5 oz of deli turkey. 50 calories. I think a salad with a piece of salmon for dinner. I should do crunches later. I am really not hungry which is a good thing. I am lazy for not walking at all. I should have. I am loving my Saturdays off. When I was working full time at my job I never had them off. I never had weekends off to spend with the family. I hated my job more then I do now. I hated helping people that can’t choose a color in a skirt. I love fashion and can’t understand how a color between black and white is a life changing decision. I pour over fashion magazines and take note to all. I don’t understand the decisions some women make. For the most part I do like helping people but some women are impossible. I have been working in the same store for 6 years. I should be okay with this. Well the boyfriend and the daughter is back at home. With only one cigarette under the belt that kind of blows, but that’s okay. I would have liked to smoke another one, maybe I will sneak out later and have one. Wish me luck with my diet. I will let you know how it goes. I am pretty sure it will go well because I have the due date scribbled into my mind. I can’t be as fat as I was last weekend!!!!!!!!! Be well.
*think thin*
Finding A Path... 