I’ve had such an awful week. One of the worst in awhile. More on that in a bit. First I have to catch you up on my weekend. It was actually a good one.
Friday I went shopping with a friend from work. I snagged an outfit for the much anticipated Saturday dinner/club event. I got a little black dress, a silky cardigan thing to go over it and a necklace. I didn’t feel AS fat in it. I also trucked over to the Steve Madden store (my favorite shoes!) and they were having a massive sale on their ankle boots SCORE! I stayed and tried shoes on for ages, ignoring the hunger pains dancing in my stomach, clawing at my head. I picked up three pairs of shoes. One pair with no heel but lots of suede fringe, a pair of SUPER high heels, and a pair of ankle boots with a nice heel on them. I love them. I could have bought 10 more!! I didn’t get home until after 8, it was perfect.
Saturday we shopped for TV’s. My dad was a little more involved with whatever is going on at their house. My brother giving them shit, my mom is in pain from her sciatica so of course I was moved down the totem pole a little (like usual). He was a little distant and I was really looking forward to spending time with him and using his wisdom on a big purchase I was about to make. He was somewhat helpful but at one point I felt he was shutting down. He has tendency towards depression and anxiety like me. After a handful of stores, and driving all over the city I finally made a decision. I got a 48″ flat screen smart TV. I love it. It has an IheartRadio option on it and I am listening to it right now! Once I got home and opened the box, slide the screen out I noticed all this discoloration on the screen in multiple places and a rather large crack in the bottom of the screen. Fail. I had to call another store, my dad came and got me and we exchanged it. The second TV was perfect and I put it together all by myself! Independent girl!!
I rushed into the shower, applied my make up like an expert, fluffed my hair up with curl inducing spray and spritzed myself with perfume. Threw on my outfit, I actually felt somewhat good. But the boyfriend was late coming over and we didn’t leave until AFTER 7. I was pretty much pissed we were late and didn’t want to go. I was already nervous about eating in front of people, I didn’t want to walk in late as well. Of course I threw a small little fit. Once we got there we got to sit at the end of the table and I actually felt okay. I felt even better after my two dirty martinis. We just ordered two rolls of sushi, I actually used my chopsticks like an expert (I love sushi but suck at chopsticks) and the sushi was amazing. I haven’t had dinner in a while but I didn’t feel over stuffed, so it was nice. We went to the bar, for her 30th Birthday she had a private room for our party. It was all leather seats and closed off from the rest of the bar. Someone in our group ordered this big bowl, like a “fish bowl” but with expert liquors and champagne! So yum! I drank liquor all night and not a stitch of beer…that is until the Boyfriend and I left. We stayed at the party, I had one smoke buddy. He usually picks on me, but he actually made a comment to the Boyfriend that he was going to hang out with me and hit on me the entire night. Of course he was joking, but I didn’t feel ugly that night. Which is HUGE for me, because I usually feel so large and ugly I can never really enjoy myself. I just try to drink enough to where i DON’T feel so huge and ugly, which usually backfires on me pretty much every time.
Everyone left pretty early, around midnight. So we decided to hit up the bar next to my apartments. I grabbed us a pitcher. I was having a good time, but the bartender freaked out and told everyone to leave at 1:30 AM. I felt like shit the entire next day. I haven’t got anymore weed in a week. It feels much longer. I actually scraped my bong and got a nice little ball of resin. I have been smoking off that for the last two days. I actually just contacted my dealer. He got back to me in less then a minute. I am picking up tomorrow. I shared my last bag with friends…I hate spending $80 on what lasts about a week. The Boyfriend told me I don’t have to smoke everyday. But…I don’t know how to have drugs and not do them all until they are all gone. That’s with all drugs. I haven’t touched many drugs for years except pot. I think that is a pat on the back in my back. I have risen from the drug shambles and dusted myself off pretty quickly.
Anyway. My car started having problems Monday. I drove to work but it wouldn’t start when I tried going home for lunch. I was so mad. Luckily the Boyfriend came and picked me up. It didn’t start after work either and I had to wait for him to come get me for about a half hour. I had to leave it at work. That was awful I hate my routine being ruined. I love my routine, when it is ruined I get mad. I get irritated. I get frustrated and want to punch things. I have anger issues apparently. The Boyfriend took me to the store, because I have no food and I was a bitch the entire time. I thought the problem was with my car and would drain my account. I got $60 of food-all healthy. I am continuing with my no dinner plan. I have lost a slight bit of weight, nothing to major yet. I am really close to being back in the 120’s. Tuesday we had my car towed to the place I bought it, they work on cars as well. They found nothing wrong and were actually able to start it four times in a row. Once I got there to pick it up it started for me, but once I got home it wouldn’t start again. I was in a ball of sadness Monday, a fit of rage on Tuesday and that just left me pissed today. My car started this morning, but for lunch it did not. My dad came during my lunch hour. I have an Interlock in my car stemming from a dui 5 years ago. It turns out, it was a faulty hand set which was making my car not start. Once I got a new one it started right up. I was so relieved. But have felt so anxious these last few days it has left me with a sour stomach and very tight muscles.
I am listening to music at the moment and sipping on a Land Shark beer. No dinner again. I had 2 hard boiled eggs & 1 cup of strawberries for breakfast. (209). Lunch was two chicken salad w. avocado wraps, I made them with greek yogurt instead of mayo. (318) I usually have a few squares of dark chocolate…but I forgot about it. So that is 527. I think that is pretty good. I was down a pound this morning. I also bought a green tea called “Herbal Slimming Tea”. It claims to be 100% natural and it increases metabolic activity and cleanses the system. I think that means a laxative affect. I am going to drink it before bed every night. It was cheap so we’ll see what it does for me. In my opinion the only way of losing weight is diet and exercise. You have to eat pure foods, clean food-fruit, vegetables and lean meats. Although part of me always wants to cut out meat except fish. Plus exercise regularly, only way to drop weight. That is what I do every summer, for the past few years. I always drop a good 20 pounds. I wish I could lose more. I will strive for that this summer. Last summer was one of my most successful summer’s. At my lowest (adult weight) was 116-I know, not that low but it is for me! I feel like it’s my lowest “sober” weight. No powders, no diet pills. Pure diet and exercise. I got to 109 when I was a teenager and I want to get back there, or lower.
I have been watching episodes on Intervention of eating disordered girls. I am obsessed. It’s like fuel to a fire. I should probably not watch these, but I love to. It’s like I feel connected to someone..something I think about all the time. I am normal. I am not abnormal. I am just a lot older than most. I know I should eat more, but it just feels so good to not eat. It feels good to look up recipes all day at work secretly planning on how much I can eat and how much I shouldn’t eat. I love it. I don’t love many things.
Anyway I have my favorite shows to watch starting at 7 PM even though I could just listen to music until bedtime. The Boyfriend might come over later so I need to be not drunk when he comes over. So a couple more beers and it’s time for slimming tea. I hope I am down another pound in the morning. That would make a bad week a little more bearable.
*think thin*
Finding A Path... 